Changes and Deeper Meanings

I have always considered myself to be an introvert, or at least someone who thinks deeply about the majority of what we call life.

Though that is nothing extraordinary itself, it often strikes me that superficial events and moments in my life end up taking on a more prominent meaning in my mind than perhaps they should do. Case in point, finishing school.

Naturally, it is a substantial change that all in their late teens would reflect on, at least for a while. After all, it marks the transition from being a protected child to venturing out into the world and being forced to act with significantly more independence.

Yet prior to writing this, sitting on a plane, more than just that thought came to my mind. I started reflecting upon the whole concept of human interaction, and how unique each person’s experiences of both others and the world can be. How can you judge someone for an action if you don’t truly know their reasons for an act? Surely it is impossible for us to intrinsically make a conclusion about a rapist or murderer without knowing the full story?

We can never get that full story. Each act has a reason to it, as socially unacceptable as it may be. Yet you have thousands of people behind the internet every day looking down on others for their actions – poachers are a distinct example that springs to mind in this context. I am not exempt from this no doubt, I can think of only too many a recent example in which I am guilty of judging people unfairly.

Granted, I can never know if those kinds of thoughts are natural ones for a human being of similar age but given the reaction I sometimes get (or got) from peers at what are perhaps more intricate views of the world, I feel like it is slightly unusual.

The other week, I encountered a thought proposed by James Webb, about existential depression. I don’t think I need to hide my depression on this blog after previous posts, but this particular read really stuck with me.

Webb suggests that this kind of depression often occurs in ‘gifted individuals’, not that I claim to be one in the slightest, if anything I think the opposite. But it does seem to make sense that more intellectually wired brains have the capacity to think about life on a more cynical scale and thus experience this type of depression.

He speaks of four main aspects in life that cause this; death, freedom, isolation and meaninglessness. We all die, have the freedom to do what we want without structure, there is always a gap between us and any other person, and that due to these three factors, life has very little meaning.

Building on these factors, Webb also argues that because these children can imagine near perfection, and yet at the same time can see all the imperfect intricacies of our planet, they feel frustrated at the potential of the world. This extends to people and events closer to them and more specific than simply the world as a whole.

The fact that others may not want to discuss such philosophical concerns leads to the feeling of isolation, as I alluded to earlier. It also leads them to believe that there can never be any ‘right’ choice – which leads to confusion and doubt in their actions.

That belief leads them to become angry, which in turn leads to depression. As they then try to pull themselves out of this predicament, they realise life is short, they are a small insignificant being in an enormous world and that they can have negligible impact on it.

I found Webb’s writings incredibly interesting on a personal level because it encapsulates many of the thoughts I have previously thought occurred in the majority of people. Yet it appears others are more concerned with the day-to-day running of life and what we can take from that, which in many ways is a more structured thought process to have.

And I feel as if it gives at least a partial explanation to thoughts that have always existed in my mind, but only seem to have reached tipping point in the first half of this year. I can’t either work out whether they’re good for me or the root of my problems. Most of my joy seems to come out of this cynical, straight-thinking, isolated mind-set, yet at the same time, so does all the pain.

It is a great enigma and I only hope that me recognising and writing about it helps. Both for me and for others that may find themselves with similar emotions.