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A New Chapter and a Few Thoughts

I’ve been meaning to blog again for a good while now, but it is only as I sit on a train home on a grey Sunday morning watching some massive wind turbines (there’s something strangely satisfying about watching them go around), that I am at my most wistful and self-reflective in terms of my own mental state.

I really should change the name of this blog as there’s very little politics involved in my own rather erratic mental state, but there we go - I'd rather write about something I’m interested in than just for the sake of it. Yes there have been many on this particular topic, but I feel as if some of the best and most moving pieces of writing come from the bottom of the heart.

Writing these gives me a purpose. It’s like a release from the wider world, allows me to perhaps open up about my feelings without being a burden and my perennial fear of annoying people. And that feels amazing.

It’s been a hectic few weeks, moving to a new city for university (Sheffield), making new friends, and drinking an unhealthy amount of alcohol. Though the latter is undoubtedly a cause of my reflective mood, the first two have been better than I could ever have imagined.

It almost feels as if I’ve started a new life. Disassociating myself with every small detail of home (as much as I love it) has completely erased the haunting memories of 2018 so far.

That leaves me a bit conflicted mind. I am a very homely person - I frequently used to get homesick when we went on family holidays for more than 10 days! I wonder what was wrong about the surroundings that I’d lived in for my whole life, which forced me to fall down a never ending hole. I probably won’t ever know.

I’m also learning now that I simply just have to put myself first. Yes that sounds a tad selfish but it has been so easy all year for me to belittle my own problems in the face of others’ and try to push them to the back of my mind as a result.

None of that means I can’t still try care for others, because everyone needs that support mechanism, I certainly do even now. But we live in a society today in which the principal aim is personal gain, that’s just a brute fact in my eyes. Consequently, looking after my own mental state especially after illness bears so much more importance than it ever has before, perhaps a radical change of perspective, it undoubtedly feels it.

Another thing I want to briefly touch on is antidepressants. There’s a horrendous stigma surrounding them, which in some ways I can understand. Why would you want to put your loved ones on a strong chemical that could become necessary and possible addictive for a long time?

Granted different people have different experiences of them but when applied right, they’re a life-saver. It might sound over dramatic but they’re probably the main reason I’m here writing this today.

If you had a cure for a physical disease that needed to be applied over a long period of time, you’d be so much more inclined to allow the drug to be prescribed. Why are antidepressants different? Our mental is just as, if not more important, than our physical health yet I highly doubt someone would look down on a pill that cured cancer in the same way a lot view antidepressants. Naturally I would have a strong stance on it but it just embodies the stigma to me - and that’s not right.

These are just a bunch of general thoughts really, and they’re either gonna come out looking incredibly disjointed, or the natural, honest flow of it will shine through. I sincerely hope it’s the latter, because it’s helped me release a lot of bad emotions even now.

Distinguish the good emotions from the debilitating ones, and flush that absolute monster that still ever lingers, out my mind. When I can do that will be when I know I’m fully myself again. And I can’t wait. :)






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