Reflecting - A New Start

So, the last month of another year. A time for stuffing our faces with food and enjoying time with our loved ones. As I reflect back on the year, I will avoid the irritating perennial ‘where has this year gone?’ cliché that often pops up on social media. Cynical me rolls my eyes at this, each year is the same length, give or take.

This year that exasperation is especially prevalent. It has undoubtedly been the longest of my life (metaphorically, of course – or I’d instantly smack of hypocrisy). It has thrown up challenges I’d never thought could even exist, changed my view on my future ambitions and

I need not go on about these issues. As much as I would like to, it would be repetitive; reading through previous blogs has made me realise that I simply cannot put severe mental health problems into as cohesive and moving an article as I feel I did then. Yet I do want to reflect on the year as a whole, with a longer-term focus – and I’d be grateful if you joined me on this journey.

Surprisingly, I get a warming sense of satisfaction and accomplishment when first recalling feeling mentally ill. Sitting on a sofa scrolling through social media became lying there almost paralytic. Immediately, I brushed it off, believing that it was nothing more than a mere rare occurrence. I’ve always been a reserved, introverted person and so it was almost as I thought the emotions were normal. Everyone has them, I attempted to comfort myself.

But they don’t, I soon realised, and the next step was to get help. Opening up like that was probably the hardest thing to do, the thought of trying to express that I didn’t think I was mentally sound is one that still troubles me today. In all honesty, I have no clue how I did it – and looking back in the long term, this makes me incredibly proud of myself and an indication of how much stronger I am as a person than I first imagined. For it would have been so easy to brush it away and bottle it up, hurting my academic progress and social life in the process.

Fast forward a few months, and things were on the mend. Prescribed antidepressants and having productive counselling sessions, I felt amazing. Yet as with all things, there was a long road ahead.

As an 18-year-old, of course I had exam stress. Partly to blame for my decline in mental health perhaps, A-Levels loomed closer and closer and that brought a new, completely different challenge in itself. From not wanting to do anything every day, I suddenly wanted to cram as much revision as I could in the fear of failure. Polar opposites. Maybe it wasn’t the best time for it all to bundle up together, the two created a rather unmanageable vicious cycle.

With A-Levels and all the stress of it past though, I could finally have a good couple of months in summer to relax and focus on my mental health – though the World cup helped neither of those! Visiting new places, drinking an unhealthy amount socially, enjoying my first experiences of clubbing and cherishing memories with friends I would leave for months soon after were all examples of me ‘letting loose’ as such. It was wonderful and I will forever look back on it fondly. Yet this created new emotional challenges and the daunting prospect of university lay under the surface.

Somewhat ironically, I labelled myself as a nervous person when introducing myself to my new flatmates in Sheffield, a comment which has been the subject of a good few jokes at my expense, I’m sure they’d agree in saying I’m really not now! But I was scared, as people naturally are when experiencing a lifestyle change of that magnitude.

Even more so after the previous six months. The prospect of ‘fending for myself’ was terrifying, given that I relied so much on my family for food and emotional support beforehand. Simply, I hadn’t had the energy to move, let alone plan my meals or cook them. In retrospect, that worry is pertinent for all university students, yet the scars just made me anxious about the whole experience.  

Since, I have settled brilliantly. Academically, I feel markedly less stressed and I think due to this I’m performing much closer to my potential. Socially, I have made friendships that I would like to think will be lifelong ones. But most important, mentally, I’m on a different planet. Granted, there are bad days and I’ve already touched upon the influence of alcohol on my mental health (part and parcel of university!), but these ones are significantly better than the bad days I was experiencing at the start of the year and they are far less frequent. In honesty, I couldn’t care less about the first two in comparison to the latter, though they undoubtedly contribute to it. My main focus is putting myself first, and a new environment has made me feel more like ‘me’. To lose your identity like that and become so caught up in your emotions is incredibly dark and dangerous. But to get it back feels like the glowing warmth of the sun is shining on you every day without fail, something that is impossible to comprehend without this clarity.

That brings us here, to me sitting in my room, in my new environment, having spent the last hour and a half writing these reflections. The point of taking you through that journey was hopefully that it’ll give at least some indication of what mental health illnesses can do to people, something to help raise awareness and perhaps make them that tiny bit easier to identify. Every little helps.

Likely, this will be the last blog I write for the year. I thought it quite appropriate for me to end it like this, with a long-term focus. If this is all life can throw at me, then I’ll get there, I’ll get stronger and I’m sure all still reading will to. The year has given me experiences that will shape me as a person until the day I die.

Barring misfortune, I finally don’t believe that day will be upon us anytime soon at all.

Have a Merry Xmas and a happy New Year x