So, the last month of another year. A time for stuffing our
faces with food and enjoying time with our loved ones. As I reflect back on the
year, I will avoid the irritating perennial ‘where has this year gone?’ cliché
that often pops up on social media. Cynical me rolls my eyes at this, each year
is the same length, give or take.
This year that exasperation is especially prevalent. It has
undoubtedly been the longest of my life (metaphorically, of course – or I’d
instantly smack of hypocrisy). It has thrown up challenges I’d never thought
could even exist, changed my view on my future ambitions and
I need not go on about these issues. As much as I would like
to, it would be repetitive; reading through previous blogs has made me realise
that I simply cannot put severe mental health problems into as cohesive and
moving an article as I feel I did then. Yet I do want to reflect on the year as
a whole, with a longer-term focus – and I’d be grateful if you joined me on
this journey.
Surprisingly, I get a warming sense of satisfaction and
accomplishment when first recalling feeling mentally ill. Sitting on a sofa
scrolling through social media became lying there almost paralytic. Immediately,
I brushed it off, believing that it was nothing more than a mere rare occurrence.
I’ve always been a reserved, introverted person and so it was almost as I thought
the emotions were normal. Everyone has them, I attempted to comfort myself.
But they don’t, I soon realised, and the next step was to
get help. Opening up like that was probably the hardest thing to do, the
thought of trying to express that I didn’t think I was mentally sound is one
that still troubles me today. In all honesty, I have no clue how I did it – and
looking back in the long term, this makes me incredibly proud of myself and an
indication of how much stronger I am as a person than I first imagined. For it
would have been so easy to brush it away and bottle it up, hurting my academic
progress and social life in the process.
Fast forward a few months, and things were on the mend.
Prescribed antidepressants and having productive counselling sessions, I felt
amazing. Yet as with all things, there was a long road ahead.
As an 18-year-old, of course I had exam stress. Partly to
blame for my decline in mental health perhaps, A-Levels loomed closer and closer
and that brought a new, completely different challenge in itself. From not
wanting to do anything every day, I suddenly wanted to cram as much revision as
I could in the fear of failure. Polar opposites. Maybe it wasn’t the best time
for it all to bundle up together, the two created a rather unmanageable vicious
cycle.
With A-Levels and all the stress of it past though, I could
finally have a good couple of months in summer to relax and focus on my mental
health – though the World cup helped neither of those! Visiting new places,
drinking an unhealthy amount socially, enjoying my first experiences of clubbing
and cherishing memories with friends I would leave for months soon after were
all examples of me ‘letting loose’ as such. It was wonderful and I will forever
look back on it fondly. Yet this created new emotional challenges and the
daunting prospect of university lay under the surface.
Somewhat ironically, I labelled myself as a nervous person
when introducing myself to my new flatmates in Sheffield, a comment which has
been the subject of a good few jokes at my expense, I’m sure they’d agree in
saying I’m really not now! But I was scared, as people naturally are when experiencing
a lifestyle change of that magnitude.
Even more so after the previous six months. The prospect of ‘fending
for myself’ was terrifying, given that I relied so much on my family for food
and emotional support beforehand. Simply, I hadn’t had the energy to move, let
alone plan my meals or cook them. In retrospect, that worry is pertinent for
all university students, yet the scars just made me anxious about the whole
experience.
Since, I have settled brilliantly. Academically, I feel
markedly less stressed and I think due to this I’m performing much closer to my
potential. Socially, I have made friendships that I would like to think will be
lifelong ones. But most important, mentally, I’m on a different planet.
Granted, there are bad days and I’ve already touched upon the influence of
alcohol on my mental health (part and parcel of university!), but these ones
are significantly better than the bad days I was experiencing at the start of
the year and they are far less frequent. In honesty, I couldn’t care less about
the first two in comparison to the latter, though they undoubtedly contribute
to it. My main focus is putting myself first, and a new environment has made me
feel more like ‘me’. To lose your identity like that and become so caught up in
your emotions is incredibly dark and dangerous. But to get it back feels like
the glowing warmth of the sun is shining on you every day without fail,
something that is impossible to comprehend without this clarity.
That brings us here, to me sitting in my room, in my new
environment, having spent the last hour and a half writing these reflections. The
point of taking you through that journey was hopefully that it’ll give at least
some indication of what mental health illnesses can do to people, something to
help raise awareness and perhaps make them that tiny bit easier to identify.
Every little helps.
Likely, this will be the last blog I write for the year. I
thought it quite appropriate for me to end it like this, with a long-term
focus. If this is all life can throw at me, then I’ll get there, I’ll get
stronger and I’m sure all still reading will to. The year has given me experiences
that will shape me as a person until the day I die.
Barring misfortune, I finally don’t believe that day will be
upon us anytime soon at all.
Have a Merry Xmas and a happy New Year x
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