It is not often you can mark down the single worst point in your life. Yet February and March 2018 were the lowest of my lows. Those months have shaped the person I am today more so than any others have and no matter how much I would or would not want to forget them, I'll never be able to.
Perhaps ironically, despite how significant they are, daily life back then is a complete an utter blur because of the nature of my broken mental health. All I remember is that most days I was at some point either bed-ridden, crying, or being unintentionally forced to be in an uncomfortable situation that I didn't want to be in.
Rather than extensively describing it myself now, it is easier to point myself towards the blog I wrote at the time. The blog that has made me so much more open about my mental health. That has helped me immeasurably. That was typed through a plethora of my erratic emotions at the time. Anger at small things, sadness at my own life, disillusionment with the world.
Though it wasn't the blog itself that made the biggest difference. It was the reaction to it that I'll always be so grateful for. It was comforting to know that the people closest to me ranging to the people I did not know particularly well wanted to offer support. When at a low as destructive as that one was, it helped to know I was not alone. I'll forever be grateful to everyone who reached out at the time.
I am not quite sure why it is this year that those months have hit me significantly. It could be the fact that last year I still needed to fully recover, slowly coming off the medication at the time and was not really ready to disassociate myself from it. There is an element of that I think for sure, but the bigger picture is probably my current mental state.Everything feels the converse opposite to two years ago. Back then, even the good things were still marred with bad aspects. Now, the bad things are littered with good parts. My mindset has completely changed, with the irrationality of thoughts largely removed and the clarity and wider-looking emotions replacing them.
Without trying to sound enlightened or narcissistic, it's become clear to me now that the best way to tackle life is to understand why people act as they do. We struggle with this as humans because we are naturally living life from our own perspective and we relate everything back to us in a slightly self-centred way. Why did someone make me feel like that? How could they do that to me? Back in early 2018, those were the some of the thoughts that troubled me. I was always concerned with my place in an intricately complex and punishing world, rather than focusing on the smaller here and now.
That is an unhealthy way of looking at things. I don't blame myself, but even thought I still like to think on a large scale now, I pause for a moment to try and remember that it isn't just me. My view is always distorted and full of unconscious biases, just like everyone else. Without that knowledge, which I could attribute to CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy), I don't think I would be as mentally stable as I am now.
Two years feels like a lot of time because I can still remember the feelings and the demons that will always remain. That is part and parcel of living with mental health problems, but if and when these problems return in the future, I'll be far more aware of them and more prepared to deal with them.
But at the same time, two whole years?! I couldn't even legally drink back then (my liver probably wants to go back in time). That was the back end of school, and perhaps will mar my memories of life at school. Now well through university, thinking of jobs and fields to go into - school seems like an age ago. It probably makes sense that in a time period of that length that I've been able to develop coping strategies and view events more placidly.
These past emotions have made me reflect on everything in the past couple of months and I've been slightly more distant as a result. It feels like a significant moment in my own life, even if it perhaps isn't, and the future I didn't know I had two years ago is exponentially more positive.
I used to care how people thought of me. I used to hide emotions through fear of alienating people. This blog has enabled me to express these clustered feelings into a tangible piece of writing, whilst medication and CBT has made me carefree of how others see me. After all, as I said before, everyone has subjective perspectives.
I'm not ready to forget those years, I never will forget them. But I am finally ready to disassociate myself with them. It all started with speaking out, the toughest but most rewarding thing I've ever done.
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